Rescuing a Tough Day

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day for me.  Last week I called an out of state friend and shared that I was so sad about the current state of our country.  Her response of "Of course you are, dear," made me feel connected.  At least I wasn't alone.  She shared prayerful thoughts and inspirational things to read.  I felt better for awhile.  However, this week I've felt very alone again.  I've been in what a teacher friend of mine calls an "ugly head space" for months now.

At the end of June I shared with a friend how bad I felt about George Floyd's death.  Over the years she and I've gone out to lunch, talked about a lot of things and I really thought she would say something like, "Of course you do, dear, so do I."   Not her response.  Not even close.

I've been trying to sort this friend's response out ever since.  My sorting out has been very clunky.  It became all about me.  Was I clueless about a friend?  Does it say something about me to have a friend who made racist comments?  If we go out to lunch again, do I say something?  Will I ever want to go out to lunch with her again?

I got a call from my daughter yesterday evening -- at the end of the "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day."  I was not giving my usual cheerful responses and finally my daughter said, "What's wrong, mom?"  Over the years we've had loads of conversations about social justice.  She's a very thoughtful young woman, who keeps me on my toes about what's right.  She's taught me a lot and corrected me when I've said thought-less things.  Last night all she was was loving and supportive.  She gently suggested that maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself, and then, working to make me feel better, shared all the things she does or doesn't do when she's feeling sorry for herself.  She shared that when she feels hopeless it's because it doesn't look like things will ever get better.  But, she said, things are getting better, even if there's more to do.  And she reminded me there are things I'm doing to help make the world a better place.  She actually said almost the same things my husband had said earlier in the day.  Somehow coming from her I was finally able to hear them and feel better.

My new mantra is from the Dalai Lama:

"If you think you are too small to make a difference,
try sleeping with a mosquito."

New Year, New Blog

I have to confess, I started my blog to become famous.

Oh, and to make friends and become a star of the pretty pink section of the blogosphere.

Funny!  It hasn't worked out that way!

Seriously, it's no wonder this blog has not always been a source of contentment for me.
I mean, really!  How could it be?

But what to do?

 

I love to journal.  I have done so since I was a teenager.  I haven't read those journals in years but they are all packed up in a box labeled "Marl's Schoolwork."  I thought the label was boring enough that prying eyes would not stumble upon my very personal musings.


 For my personal journals I write about what is bothering me; things I want to change about me and other people; family members I would rather never see again, or since never seeing them again is probably impossible, how best to deal with them.  I work things out by writing and often it helps me become un-stuck. It's really private stuff.  Not what I would share with another human being.

So with this as my usual manner of writing, when I started my blog I didn't exactly know how to be myself.  And I had no idea how to become a star, which truth to tell is not being myself either.  I have read of blogs where the artists only tell of the good things in their life.  That sounds wonderful and I applaud that.  But it sure isn't my writing background.  I know how to write research papers.  I can make a killer annotated bibliography on any subject.  And I know how to write all the secrets of my heart.  But how to find the balance of informative & personal.  How to let me shine through?

 

Three years from when I started his blog, I have given up wanting to be a star.  I want my blog to be as great a source of satisfaction to me as my personal journals, but of more interest to those who read it.  To that end I decided to write a MISSION STATEMENT!

 

 
 When I told my husband his immediate comment was "San Juan Capistrano."
You probably need to know him and some details for this to make any sense.  

image c. Gavin Arts.  

San Juan Capistrano is the 7th of the California Missions founded by Father Junipero Serra.   It's always been my favorite, a beautiful structure and quite romantic.  And every year on March 19th the swallows return to build their nests.  There's a song my mom used to sing to me about it.  Tommy de Paola has written a beautiful children's book about the swallows returning.  And my husband is quick witted & punny and makes unexpected connections.  San Juan Capistrano was his was of saying, "oh, you want the readers to return" . . . just like the beautiful swallows!

So my new & updated purpose in writing this blog is to share the magic and beauty I see everywhere.  To provoke thought or laughter with a healthy sense of the absurd.  To inspire the people who come here.  Not to take myself too seriously and to give more than I expect to get.

A big thank you to Tara Frey, who's book has truly inspired me!

Frey, Tara.  Blogging for Bliss.  New York: Lark Books, 2009.